Unlearn

 I've opened this page way too many times, before closing it with nothing written on it. I never know how to begin, or what I should say, I have these concepts of ideas, which are all over the place, with no common theme. Truth is, I have this urge to spit it all out from the beginning and get over with it, Lacking the patience to let it slow cook, and build a solid foundation for my ideas and what I want to say. I want it to happen fast, I guess it's because of how I've been conditioned to live lately. 

I forgot how to live slowly, everything I do is rushed, and everything In my life seems so high of urgency that I lost the joy of living my life slowly. I find myself walking faster, eating faster, replying faster, having fun faster ! ... As if I'm carrying the whole world on my shoulders. I'm running as fast as I can, and still can't catch the speed of things. 

I disdain this way of living, I disdain the vomit-inducing anxiety it causes me, I hate the way it makes my stomach ache and my heart race, I scorn the way it makes it hard for me to breathe, and how I grind my teeth because of it and I despise how full of worries my brain is. 

I've lived in a flooded house for so long without noticing, as the water level kept rising, I learned how to float and swim, instead of opening the door and leaving. I chose the comfort of the familiar hell I lived in, instead of the unfamiliar heaven that could have been out there. Now at the risk of drowning, I need to escape.

I chose to learn how to condition myself to this pressure, instead of refusing it, as it is far distant from the reality that I wanna live in, when I should've taken a moment and rethought if this is the right direction where I'm headed right now, I allowed the stream of "Urgency" to take me with it. 

Today, I have a lot of unlearning to do, It's so many things that I don't like about myself that should go, I want to kick the rush out, and welcome calmness in my life.  I miss the time when I allowed myself to savor time and enjoy the process, now everything is concealed behind my rushing heart and nauseated stomach ..

My brain is altered and rewired wrongly, everything I consume daily reminds me how I SHOULD do things, how I should learn new things right away and be great at it, how my clothes are wrong and my hair is wrong and my skin is wrong, so I SHOULD buy this and that. Going through social media feels like going through a cloning machine, scrolling there gives me nothing unique, It doesn't make me unique, It only creates inside me another feeling of urgency an ugly rush, and a pressure to standardize me, flatten my ideas and my way of thinking, and intoxicate my mind with the laziest and most superficial ideas. It's uninspiring, unmotivating, and soul-crushing, It drains my heart, brain, and wallet. 

There is so much unlearning to do, today rewiring my brain is THE urgency, an urgency that should be done delicately and slowly, as meticulously as possible to undo the years of deep-rooted damage. I need to recreate myself from scratch and retrain myself to create and ingest; It should be slow and meaningful insights that allow inspiration to creep on me slowly, the way it used to. 

I miss being inspired, and expressing myself, I miss being weird, I don't want to be standardized into what the world wants me to adhere to, and the agenda I should stick to, My brain needs to relearn how to search for the insights it wants, and not lazily receive ideas It was fed by an algorithm. 

There is no urgency, It's all an illusion.