L'enfer: c'est les autres

 

Yesterday night, as I was relaxing on my phone trying to enjoy my weekend, I got tired from scrolling on social media and decided to take a look at YouTube instead. I found on my homepage some video clips from some of my favorite artists, and decided to watch them. 

After watching a couple of videos, I got this uneasy feeling in my chest; an insecurity was triggered, I thought to myself: " Well, I look nothing like that, my dance moves are all wonky and awkward, it's so cool how they can be so good at being sexy and perform the way they do, I don't have it in me, maybe I should try to learn some dance moves myself ... but I don't want to ... I don't feel like it, am I even passionate about dancing? Truth is no ... I just want to look cool like these girls" 

In this thought process, it hit me how much I felt the need to perform, to conform, who am I really ? I am a nerd who likes art, and watching art, performing was never my forte, why am I trying to push myself into a mold I can't fit in, just so I can give myself the illusion that I am fierce and confident, to be sexy and sexual, am I not enough just existing as a woman in my truth, in order to be sexually conforming to womanhood? Why am I trying to prove my womanhood through performing?

During my early teens, female artists were coming through, depicting ways they were forced to be overly sexualized in their music videos and movies. This phenomenon was heavily scrutinized and criticised because of how much it objectified these women, and reduced them to their sex value, and how it only served the male gaze, putting these women in a very vulnerable position where they can be subjected to abuse and exploitation. 

Today, something new happened: "the female gaze".

If you take a look at social media and YouTube, the exact same kind of content is still around. Women are aggressively more sexual in every media form. However, no one is criticizing it today, why? Because these girls are "Serving cunt". 

Today's new wave of feminism is:  girls "Taking control".Not only is hypersexuality nowadays normalized, it is also heavily celebrated by female and feminist media outlets, even by misandrists! 

Because in the capitalistic world, there's always a loophole to everything, so there had to be a way to normalize this oversexualization and make it acceptable in today's trendy standards and neo-feminism. All you have to do is: praise these women for their " confidence" and paint this oversexualization as "expressing womanhood"; you can simply depict these women as taking control of their sexuality, being fierce, cool, and trendy. Men found their way to win again, because they tricked us that this is what women "want", and not what was forced upon them. 

As a woman today, I feel that I need to perform in order to prove my womanhood. I have to prove myself to be this oversexual, sexy human being to be taken seriously as a woman and center my life around sex. 

Who are we performing for? 

As human beings, not just women, what are we trying to prove exactly? Why do we feel the constant need to show off? Lately, I stumbled upon a video showing a Calvin Klein jean with a CK underwear waistband sewn into it,  because it's trendy to wear low-waisted baggy jeans with Calvin Klein underwear showing through ... People went as far as showing off their UNDERWEAR! Just to flex their wealth, it's ridiculous if you think about it for a second. 

We are trying to compensate for everything today, we want to prove everything, even our womanhood... a god given thing. 

So I'm asking myself, 

If I were the only person on earth, would I still pursue the things that I am pursuing today? Would my likes and my passions be the same?

In a potential world where I have nothing to prove or to show, where there is no audience to perform for, who would I be? What would my real identity be like?  Am I really who I am because of who I am, or am I who I am because of who I would like to be in order to conform? 

I guess I would never know.