Midnight blues

 

Midnight blues lurking within my bones, spilling cold water over my cheeks

My head spinning endlessly.. what’s wrong i ask ? 

I don’t know .. we are sad 

But why ? 

Here i am alone in my room, suddenly being thrown a heavy load on my back. It’s like being pushed over the bridge, sinking slowly in the dark and hollow water. The coldness is unbearable, do i even feel like swimming ? No. My arms feel so numb, « i don’t feel like surviving this » my brain said. 

Inside a seemingly blissful quiet, i found sorrow, suddenly i am alone again. 

But what’s wrong ? 

I don’t know. 

Inside of me i feel a little girl that is too scared of anything, still confused.

It’s like i am unable to decipher reality in a way that everybody does.. do i even know how to human? How do i do this ? 

A deep sense of shame is creeping on me, the monster in my closet’s presence feels imminent.. but i can’t dare to look. What is it that’s not clicking ? What is wrong with me ? 

How do i break free from these chains? When do i get live? For myself? Not for others? Who am I really? What do I really think ? What am I missing ? 

Why am i standing still ? As everything is moving forward. 

I am frozen in my place, I can’t move, unless I know that what I’m about to do is not causing disapproval from others, too consumed by anxiety and approval of others, I am unable to live. 

So here I am, alone in my room, wondering what’s wrong with me, scrolling endlessly… to avoid a thought.