rubbish

 Watching Emma Chamberlain's Youtube channel is surely one hell of an experience, her videos bring a such strange sense of warmth to my heart, it's something that lingers in her way of expressing her thoughts, with no strings attached, she goes into this seamless flow of describing exactly how she feels, it is surely fascinating how when paying closer attention into what she says, I discover that she talks about the most soul impacting to the most benign subjects with the same degree of importance, every thought is just as worth diving in and going into heavy detail. I always admired how straightforward she is, and secure enough to speak her mind and talk about her feelings so freely, I feel like even when she is going through the most gut-wrenching anxiety episodes and mental breakdowns, she is still able to deconstruct her experience in such a mature shameless way. I think that maybe this could be explained by the way she was raised, how she knows that she is held by a very supportive system and environment, and how she was raised in a household that validates every feeling of hers and encourages her to voice it out. 

And it kinda makes me jealous of her, I sometimes wish too to be able to process my feelings the way she does, I sometimes wish that expressing my emotions even in the slightest didn't make me feel naked, exposed, and very small.

When I first started writing on this blog in high school, it was only for myself, I kept writing here whatever crossed my mind because it allowed me to glamorize my feelings, I would just keep writing and writing late at night with music on, add a pretty picture I found on Pinterest or on those aesthetic facebook pages, hit publish and it just transforms into this pretty article, with a pretty theme and I would be proud of it. I was free here because it was only for myself, and I would sometimes feel free to share it with people who I felt would appreciate it and wouldn't ridicule me or make me feel small for being so transparent about my emotions.

When I decided to share my writings with a broader group of people through my social media, something changed, I felt more and more ashamed to be more straightforward about how I feel, and I got more and more reserved with what i "expose" here as I was afraid of getting judged and being perceived by the wrong people, I tried to be vaguer and vaguer in my writings and stopped using the pronoun "I" definitely, to the point where I got uninspired completely.

Writing this "essay" is surely challenging, I haven't used "I" in such a very long time, maybe it was partly because I didn't want to look at myself and just disappear behind the "we", even me writing this was just a way to scratch an itch that has been bothering me for a while, I just grabbed my computer and started writing whatever, maybe I'm trying to gain control back, have a sense of control over myself and my narrative, or maybe I just felt this need of being seen. 

Writing things that a considerable amount of people reads is hard, it's like open heart surgery, it's very humbling and scary, especially after finally deciding to come a bit forward after hiding for a while, but tonight I just wanted to be Emma Chamberlain too.