slave to fiction

 It's on a day like this when I can't handle the weight of my own thoughts, when movies don't satisfy my thirst for life, when the millions of billions of ways of distractions are powerless and aren't enough to make me escape. I find myself trying to shut down the demonical scenes constantly, I try to paint everything in pink and romanticize life, sometimes I try to accept what is going around me and just go with the flow, sometimes I try to convince myself that these are just some sucky times, and I should go through them whether I like it or not, and sometimes I try to change myself in order to fit and be able to be strong enough and not to crush underneath the heaviness. 

But sometimes, It's just too much to accept, too much much to change, and too little energy to spend. Sometimes I just don't wanna deal with anything, I just want to be happy, I just want to feel the dopamine rush into my body, I just don't like what I see, I just wanna feel alive once again, I forgot what life feels like. 

So tonight, I'm gonna be a slave to my dreams 

Tonight, I'm gonna be a slave for my fantasies 

Tonight, I'll get drunk on my thoughts, I'll swim deep in my mind, free as ever, I'm not afraid to drown. Tonight, I'll seek company from myself, I'll hide in a wonderful place, where I have nothing to be afraid of, nothing to be ashamed of. 

Tonight I'll create the most wonderful world, I'll sprinkle glitter over everything, and I'll hide there. Tonight, I own my world, my own world, because reality is not an option for me anymore, or at least not for today. 

I'll just lay in bed, look at the roof, and build the simulation. I close my eyes and see life, I see a world where I'm organically me, where breath fills every corner of my lungs, where love beats hate, where I'm right where I always wanted to be. In my world, even the gloomiest days are beautiful, and the sunniest days are heaven sent, all my struggles finally paid off, I'm wise enough, strong enough, and stable enough.

 I don't want to fall asleep, I wanna see more, I wanna get as much as this beautiful world can offer to me, as I'm struggling to keep my mind awake and knit more dopamine for me, I'm praying to see more in my dreams, and maybe feel this happiness on a physical level, feel the soft breeze brushing across my face, feel the warmth and blood rushing through my veins, feel what life feels like,  because I forgot.

How can you not fall in love with this world? How can you not long to it day and night? How can you not attempt to escape to it during the day, And catch glimpses of hope? How can you not get addicted? 

I think I'll just give up, I'll just keep daydreaming all day long, I'll keep hiding between the folds of my brain, I'll keep painting this beautiful picture, I'll keep escaping, however, I'm not sure what I'll do if I can't come back someday, because now I don't even want to come back most of the time.