Let go ?

Wake up , keep rotating and rotating , waiting that my stomach stops tingling , that my heart stops racing at the speed of light , that my head stops feeling dizzy , open my eyes , stare at the roof , pick up my phone , check my socials , fuel up ... get up , stare at the floor , get out of my room , jump from an unhealthy coping mechanism to another , drain myself with a mental breakdown and then maybe another , go to bed , turn off the lights , keep rotating and rotating , eventually fall asleep , repeat .

In spite of the many attempts to put myself together and move forward , be positive about things and accept things as they are , I still find myself battling in a non ending war . As i'm trying to read it out , sleep it out , breathe it out , dance it out , sing it out , eat it out , scream it out , write it out , numb it out , the thunder keeps scattering my barely remaining pieces. Only then , I remember that I forgot to ask myself a simple question : What's going on ? 

So what's going on ?

Truth is ... I don't know , I don't know why my head is complying against me , I don't know why my anger keeps getting bigger and bigger , I don't know why my disappointment gets worse and worse , i don't know why I'm displeased , why I'm disgusted , why I'm tired , why I'm lost , why I'm confused...

I don't even know what's the point of doing all of this , if all I stumble upon in the end is a bigger disappointment , and a bigger failure . 

No amount of positive thinking , relatable and inspirational posts , and hopefulness are able to suffocate these damned sounds inside of my head , the demon's whispers keep getting louder , they're no longer whispers , they're just regular sounds I deal with everyday . 

What to do when no amount of food , unnecessary purchases , forced positivity , sleep , sharp sarcasm , and silly jokes can fix you ? What to do when you feel stuck to the ground , when you feel like a burden , when the toxicity poisons your whole body and mind ? What to do when you become your own worst enemy ? 

What am I even angry at ? I just wish I can point my finger at it , give it a name , and be vocal about it .

When the undealt with issues return to the surface , when the tangled emotions can't be hidden no more , when the self deprecating voices can't by silenced no more, when the insecurities , self doubt and maybe self hate manifest themselves even stronger , the big guns need to be pulled . 

It is easier for me to drain and tire myself in this endless maze , It is actually easier for me to keep looking at things from my grave , crash into waves of anger , to lose myself . But It is irresponsible for me to waste what others pray for : a new opportunity everyday , a fresh start , a new day to become better. It is not easy to push one's self , try to improve , get rid of the heavy weights , forgive rather than punish , let go! just let go of things ,  and realize that It's just not worth it . 

Is it madness or is it fear?
My brother, I'm not really sure after all these years
Is it wonder?
Is it love?
Or is everyone believin' that it's under their control?
Here we are, just waitin' to explode

Let it all go Let it all go, man
Let it all go, man
Let it all go, man

Rayland Baxter - Let It All Go ,Man

 The Journey is still long , I will still fuck up , I will still get disappointed , I will still feel down , I will still fail , and i will still get angry about it , and hold on to things . But i will also try to forgive myself, accept my fuck-ups as something human  and natural about me. 

I'll allow myself to be human , far from perfection , but worthy of love and respect . 

I'll give myself a chance.

pic: pinterest